


How Do You Expect Me to Get T During the Apocalypse?!

by aphenglandstan



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Dark Crack, M/M, Misgendering, Monster Enslaves Human Race AU, Trans England (Hetalia), Trans!England, transtalia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-16
Updated: 2019-04-16
Packaged: 2020-01-14 19:01:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 859
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18482416
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aphenglandstan/pseuds/aphenglandstan
Summary: Not much changed for Arthur Kirkland after the Event. His mom worked a daycare at his house- and that's not even counting his brothers!- so he's used to the loud wailing and the lack of alone time. No-one cared about him at home either, unless they needed help with one of the children. But Arthur craves fiery vengeance. He wants to rip out the monster's guts for personal reasons.Alfred F. Jones had always wanted to be a hero. After the apocalypse, part of him wanted to try to just kill the monster by himself. But the rational side of him took over and he knew that he had to wait. At least until he found someone who could help him. He had pretty much nothing, but he stayed hopeful. He'd watched enough anime and movies, and read enough comic books to know what would happen. He'd meet a hot girl- who was in disguise, of course- who was secretly really badass and they'd get to like subliminally fuck and stuff. And he'd also get a cool best friend. Then they could save the world together.





	How Do You Expect Me to Get T During the Apocalypse?!

**Author's Note:**

> This is supposed to be comedic. Like, one of those anime with the long title that's pretty much just the summary. This is how I imagine the 'first episode' would go. Also, it physically hurt me to misgender Arthur. I'm so sorry.

I glanced around the filled pub, something that had been rebuilt after the big-ass monster enslaved humanity. There were no more doctors, no more restaurants, nothing. Just the building where the humans who survived huddled together for warmth and the small pub. A few fast food restaurants. That was it for the places that humans could go. And as much as I enjoyed playing with children and keeping their hopes up, the crying and screaming of most of the survivors really fucked with my head. After the takeover, it started with just the building being open for people. It was the worst then. I could hear so many sobs of relief from survivors when the monster gave us places to eat. And when the pub opened, well, everyone was so happy that we were practically partying in our huddle building.

I mean, I’d never gone to a pub before the event- after all, I only just turned eighteen after the event happened, which wasn’t even old enough to drink- and those were like a British thing, anyways. But it was my favorite place to be. It reminded me of the cantina from Star Wars, but less hopeful and kickass. And more stinky and depressed.  
I’d always kinda wanted to be a hero. I would always get so excited, imagining myself saving the world from whatever perils it was in. After the apocalypse, part of me wanted to try to beat up the monster by myself. The part of me that kept my childhood happiness and purity. But the rational side of me took over and I knew that I had to wait it out. At least until I found someone who could help me. I had no weapons. I had nothing. All I had was myself. The monster didn’t spare my parents. The monster didn’t spare my brother. I had no-one but myself. But I still stayed hopeful. I'd watched enough anime and movies, and read enough comic books to know what would happen. I'd meet a hot girl- who was in disguise, of course- who was secretly really badass and we'd get to like subliminally fuck. Subliminally because they couldn’t show our fucking on screen. And I’d also get a cool best friend. The three of us could save the human race. It was the one thing I was sure about!

That’s when I saw someone walk through the pub door, interrupting me from my thoughts. Covered in a thin cloak, but radiating elegance nonetheless, they strode right up to the bar and took a seat.

And when I heard how gentle their voice came out, like clouds, I knew that I’d found my secretly badass disguised hottie.

I reached out to pull her hood down and only felt the sensation of my hand getting twisted until it hurt.

“Try to pull my hood again and I’ll do more than just twist your arm,” she growled, grabbing me by the collar and shoving me backwards.

But I knew that I needed to get it through her head. She had to know that we could save the world together.

“Would you mind talking to me outside?” I asked, offering her my hand. She refused to take it, but followed me nonetheless.

“So what do you want?” She snapped at me.

“I just wanted to tell you that you should join me,” I said, taking one of her hands in mine. “I’m planning to overthrow the monster.”

“And what do you need me for?” Her glare was comparable to a toxin.

“Every hero needs a hot chick by his side.” I winked at her.

“Like I said in there, I’m not a girl!”

“We’re alone out here and I’ll keep your secret. Don’t worry your pretty little head.”

“Oh my god. Can you not take a hint? I’m trans, asshole. I’m a guy.”

“Oh… oh my god. I’m so sorry. I really didn’t mean to-”

“Well you’re going to have to make it up to me one way or another, so I think that aiding me in defeating the monster could help.” He shrugged. “And don’t worry, I can definitely still be your ‘hottie’, just not a ‘chick’.”

“My bisexual ass is swooning right now. Is there a name that I can put to that handsome face of yours?” I asked, laying on the charm.

“I’m Arthur. And as for what I have to help you, I have a knife and a whole shit-ton of spite.”

“Nice. I’m Alfred. How’d you get the knife? And why are you more spiteful towards the monster than anyone else?”

“Well, as for the knife, I sewed it into my undergarments when I heard that the monster was invading. And as for the spite…” His entire face went dark. “One of my older brothers died because he couldn’t get insulin. Much longer and I’ll die without my Asthma medication. But most importantly, I’m not on T and I haven’t even gotten top surgery! I’m not living out my life with this stupid body!”

“Welcome to the team, Arthur,” I muttered, slowly clapping my hands. "I hope you're ready to kill."

"I was born ready."


End file.
